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| Eshel Parents Retreat in March, 2013 |
When a child comes out in an Orthodox
community, parents share the burden of hiding. At an annual retreat,
participants find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.
Coming out to your parents as gay, lesbian,
bisexual or transgender can be a daunting proposition, more so when you belong
to a religious community that doesn’t recognize or accept LGBT members.
But it can also be a relief: After years of
isolation, you are no longer hiding. For many Orthodox parents, however, having
a child come out is the beginning of their isolation.
“We didn’t realize the irony of that,” says
Miryam Kabakov, the co-founder and executive director of Eshel, an organization
that supports members of the Orthodox LGBT community. “When you come out, you
let the secret go and the parent takes on the secret…. And what they do is go
into the closet with it.”
After years of working with, and advocating
for, LGBT Orthodox Jews, Kabakov launched Eshel in 2010 with Rabbi Steven
Greenberg, the first openly gay Orthodox rabbi. Among the organization’s
initiatives are a speaker’s bureau and an allies project. But in their efforts
to support those struggling with sexuality and spirituality, they soon
identified a key demographic that wasn’t being acknowledged.
“It just became clear over time that nobody is
really addressing the needs of Orthodox parents and families,” Kabakov says.
Many LGBT people who grow up in religious
communities often end up leaving if they discover their community won’t accept
them. But parents of LGBT children are stuck: In tight-knit communities, they
may risk public shame and thus choose a private exile.
“They go through this disaffection with their
spiritual community,” Kabakov explains. “They don’t tell the rabbi, they lie to
their friends.”
So Eshel started a call-in support group for
parents and, last year, held its first retreat for families with LGBT children.
The second retreat took place last weekend at a center outside of Philadelphia
and was attended by 35 participants, about the same number as the previous
year. Several attendees agreed to speak with Haaretz on the condition of anonymity
to protect the identity of their children.
One mother admitted that her daughter’s coming
out several years ago “hit me like a punch in the stomach,” but she worked hard
to accept her, and continued to do so when her daughter later came out as transgender
and began transitioning to male.
When this mother learned about the Eshel
weekend from a flyer at another retreat center, she decided to attend. “It is
strengthening to meet other parents in similar situations,” she said. “We
shared our struggles and our resources without fear of being judged or singled
out.”
Another first time attendee agreed: “I decided
to attend when I realized that I needed support,” she said. “I was okay with
the fact that my son was gay but I needed to be in a place where other people
shared my experience and that I was able to talk freely.” She said that while
her Modern Orthodox synagogue is relatively progressive on women's issues, LGBT
issues are not discussed.
'Homophobia disguised as halacha'
Since the retreat took place just before
Purim, the weekend’s theme drew parallels to Esther’s coming out as a Jew.
Activities included a number of workshops and discussions, with titles like,
“Unmasking Ourselves: Is Coming Out Just For Our Children?”, “Smashing The
Glass: What If Your Child Wants To Have A Same-Sex Wedding?” and “Trans
Children: What Does It Mean When My Boy Wants To Become A Girl (Or Vice
Versa)?” And, of course, there was prayer.
“People commented that it was the highest
prayer they ever had,” says Kabakov. “They had nothing to hide anymore. There
was a feeling of lack of fear and a feeling of complete trust.”
The participants said they believe there is a
growing awareness of LGBT issues in the Orthodox community, to some extent, but
that it’s “a slow process.” One said that on an individual level, more people
are accepting than in the past but that political and social beliefs remain
especially conservative on a communal level.
“I think there is still a very large amount of
homophobia that is being disguised as halacha,” she said, referring
to Jewish law.
But many parents are beginning to recognize
their power to enact change and reshape the conversations within their
communities. Kabakov says that at this year’s retreat, many parents were more
in an organizing mode.
“What we have to do is provide support to
parents so that they feel they have the strength and the right to ask that
their communities be open to their children,” she says.
Some aren’t ready for that step yet. Several
at the retreat were still deeply upset, confused and in pain. Eshel is learning
to strike a balance between supporting those willing to challenge their
communities and those for whom the issue is still fresh and raw and who are
simply trying to heal broken familial bonds.
“We want to meet people in their struggle and
to help them,” says Kabakov, who highlighted several success stories from the
past year of parents reestablishing connections with their children or standing
up to homophobic remarks by community leaders. “We’re guardians of each other’s
secret and we’re going to help each other transform this into something
positive.”
For those who are ready to take action, Eshel
provides the encouragement of knowing that they’re not alone. As one parent
with two children who identify as LGBT said after the retreat, “I am more
willing to step out of my comfort zone and rally for my kids’ acceptance.”
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