Sunday, January 1, 2012

"That Girl" by Ely Winkler (Gay and Marrying a woman)

I guess I needed a bit of a break. My last post, while definitely not necessarily my most thought out or best choice of words, was important for me to write. So I appreciate all the feedback, even the negative. I wanted to share something that's been on my mind- beingthat girl.

In the past, I've written about different individual's choices to stay in the closet, and my dismay with those who stay in the closet and date women, even though they know that they're gay. It's one thing to hide it as a personal choice, but it's another to bring other people into this decision and struggle. I was talking to a friend who asked me about the orientation a boy she was set up with. I told her I was uncomfortable answering or disclosing any information I may or may not know, and she responded, "Please, Ely, no one wants to be that girl." That's what inspires this post. While many friends have had numerous girls come to them with a situation as this, it's rarely happened to me.

It's always unfortunate when men/women hide who they are from their significant others, but I never thought that once they come out, what their partner's perspective would be. Apparently, no one wants to be that girl. No one wants to fall in love and be told "I love you, but I'll never love you as much as you love me".  I always felt less upset when a homosexual person posed as a heterosexual one, as long as their significant other knew. But now I realize, that even if they know, that doesn't mean it's okay. No one wants to be the person in a relationship who gets the burden of being with a homosexual partner.

A fellow gay blogger came out to his wife recently (read about ithere), and I strongly admire his courage and decision. And I am happy that they are figuring out how to make it work best for both of them. However, I have to feel a certain amount of pain for his wife. No one wants to be that girl.

PS- I apologize for the gender specificity of this post. I obviously realize that no one wants to be that guy either, who has a girlfriend or wife come out to them.
Posted by 
A gay Orthodox Jew.: That Girl:


  1. I chose this from a friends site, because this is one of the biggest reasons I came out. I didn't want to make my wife "That Girl". Who has the right to tell people they should get married even if they are gay? When did we stop caring about the women and how they feel?

  2. i am THAT GIRL!
    we have a bunch of kids. i don't know what to do. should i just let him go? it hurts. he doesn't want me to tell anyone. so basically he gets away clean. he knew he's gay. but he hoped he could change by marrying me i guess. it didn't work. guys, please never do that to anyone! it destroyed my self-conciousness. all these years i thought i'm not lovable because he would not be touching or caressing me or kissing me.. he also went through abuse as a child and teen. so there is a pattern. if so many gays have been abused. i must tell you the truth though, i wouldn't be so sad if we would have been without children... i'm mostly sad for them. i'm also afraid that maybe somehow he had a lot of female hormons and somehow one of my boys will have the same problem later, G-d forbid...



Other Blogs/Websites